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Debate: Monogamy

For the longest time in my life, I truly believed in the fantasy, fairy tale, rom-comesque depiction of love and relationships. I thought that although this world is packed to the brim (and then some) with fantastic women, time would stop (as would my heart) when I found that perfect girl. I envisioned myself blind to other females, because the mate that I chose was so much more. Unfortunately, in recent years I have come to terms with the fact that all of the magic I just described does not exist. Sure, I have loved and lost and loved again, however as I grow older and perhaps more jaded, I’m forced to come to the realization that I will be attracted to women outside of my relationships, despite any degree of quality within. 

When I first enter a relationship, I strive for the cinematic perfection I just described. I almost force it. For a while I convince myself that yes, I am living in a Woody Allen movie. I’m head over heals, I’m smitten and I’m blind to anyone else. I’ve found my soul mate and there isn’t a person on earth that can come between it. This facade usually lasts about 4 months. Thereafter, I’m left in a constant state of suppression wherein I try my absolute hardest, not to notice, flirt, touch or even be too close to members of the opposite sex. It’s exasperating to say the least. The joy of my relationship is stripped out and replaced by guilt and confusion. I begin to obsess about remaining faithful. Cutting platonic friendships with women out of my life, becoming unnecessarily harsh towards members of the opposite sex as a defense mechanism. I’m a mess. That being said, when I’m single and enjoying the adventurous bliss of multiple sexual partners, I find myself missing the intimacy of a committed relationship.  

This begs the question… How can I ultimately be happy? My longest relationship was 2 years… and I struggled. I can’t even fathom lasting an entire lifetime of marriage with 1 woman. For the female readers out there, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. It’s not all about sex. Although, let’s be honest, that has A LOT to do with it. It is indescribably difficult for men to be exclusively focused on 1 woman for an extended period of time. Sex is on the male mind constantly and we are chemically programmed to desire multiple female mates. This is the basic nature of human existence. It isn’t fair and it isn’t favorable for many situations, but it is fact. 

Sad Truth: Monogamy is a double edged sword. If you practice it, things can get frustrating. However, if your relationship does not contain it, a whole host of problems can easily arise. 

Interesting Insight: The Freebie 

Question: Do you believe in monogamy?


  • Jon.Godfrey

    What you described my friend I too have been through over and over again. Both the pleasure and the pain. It gets better man, trust me. I loved this post though, it was your most honest and earnest effort yet. Love is out there man, trust me. It’s suppose to be hard to find and hold though.

    Don’t stop believing like a Journey song! SLIIIIIIME!!!

  • Brian

    I don’t see it as a double edge sword at all, And I haven’t struggled with the same things you have. I come from a totally different position. I don’t see love as a thing or an object to be obtained and once you have it starts to slip through your fingers like sand… Love is what you can do for your partner…

    I have to work on love everyday. It’s not easy. But I don’t stop myself from talking to other women, or thinking about them. I’ve come to understand that this is natural and i’ll always have my curiosities about other women, and i don’t fight it. the harder you fight the more it will become an issue… Instead I take the focus of myself, and my desires and I focus on what love truly is… In my eyes that is how much can I give myself to girlfriend. I give myself to her by making her soup when she is sick. I give myself to her when I go and pick her from work at 2am so she doesn’t have to take the subway home.

    Love isn’t about you, Monogamy isn’t about you. Love is about her. It’s about everything you can do for her. If you focus your efforts on loving her, instead of fighting your natural thoughts and feelings, and just going with the flow you’ll probably see a little more improvement relationships.

    • Jon.Godfrey

      I really appreciate that thought my man, it’s honest and real. You and your girl have a great relationship, and it is inspiring. Thanks ,man

      BTW Please write more!!!

    • anastasia

      for a few days after reading the piece , I really struggled to come up with actual words to explain my thoughts ….and maybe one day I will fully, but for now …Brian. you took the words I couldn’t speak right out of my heart. Its good to see that as a man you realize a relationship is a sacred partnership a place where 2 people reside where you offer up yourselves equally to each other…. honouring..body ,mind and soul.
      temptation exists no doubt . but so does authentic love and its very real.
      ……with both come pleasure and pain.
      I guess it all depends on what you feel is worth pursuing or giving in to , and the value it holds to its victim.

  • Christine

    This note makes me so angry! Plain and simple: cheating is for the weak…the “fact” that you described as being the male state of mind and basic nature of human existence is completely biased and lacking evidence, and in the event that there IS some sort of research-based evidence, I would bet I could find a 10-fold larger amount of evidence arguing the contrary!

    Maybe monogamy isn’t for everyone, but just because not all people are capable of practicing it, that does not mean that others can’t as well, because others CAN and others DO!

    “It is indescribably difficult for men to be exlusively focused on 1 woman for an extended period of time”…again, yes for SOME, this note is so generalized! It’s okay for each to have their own opinion, but you are generalizing this toward the entire male population as some sort of fact, it’s a fabrication, and men ARE capable of focusing only on ONE woman…sure people look and notice others who are attractive…but who doesn’t? THAT is human nature, looking and noticing, human nature is not when half of the population is incapable of monogamy!

  • sabrina


  • Chris

    Dear Christine,

    Let the record show, that I am not, and never have been a cheater. I simply stated that cheating is a notion in which a man’s mind is in constant flirtation with, when invested in a serious relationship. As for your claim to this enormous amount of men that disagree with my argument, I challenge you to bring them forth. It’s unrealistic and completely foolish to assume that men are not often frustrated and confused at SOME point of their relationships. Especially in this day and age. In the 21st century, we as humans are exposed to SO much more than any other generation, and the idea of monogamy is becoming less and less achievable. I’m not trying to stand in anyone’s way who wishes to practice it, although I am certainly not endorsing it myself. Please remember, that although the topics discussed in this blog may be touchy and controversial with some, they remain to be opinions. Something in which everyone is entitled to.

  • Jennifer Rose

    Hm, I found this to be a little sexist. And not in the way you’d assume.

    Some women have a very hard time with monogamy as well. The Serial Monogamist is a growing trend in women. I’ve done the open relationship before, and it can be done, but it’s not easy.

    I agree with you that Monogamy is not for everyone, I know I find it difficult. Also, as a man, you cannot speak from a woman’s point of view, however, you may find it interesting how many women share your opinion.

    • Chris Elliott

      It’s very interesting that you share this frame of mind. Typically I don’t think of women in that light, however that just solidifies your argument that this article may be a little sexist. Perhaps a lot women feel this way, however I must urge you to agree with me on one thing – most women wouldn’t voice this opinion with other men.

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